


Home

by CoffeeFairy



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, Happy Ending, Mentioned Seven/Chakotay, Post-Canon Fix-It, Post-Endgame, Post-Episode: 02e25 Resolutions, They Finally Get Together, it doesn't last, mostly - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-18 18:02:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29737740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoffeeFairy/pseuds/CoffeeFairy
Summary: After Chakotay and Janeway return to Voyager from New Earth, they make a promise. Five years later they are back in the Alpha Quadrant and Chakotay reminds Kathryn that the promise was only to be kept for as long as they were stuck in the Delta Quadrant. They're home now.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 4
Kudos: 53





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**Author's Note:**

> Not aiming to be in any way novel or groundbreaking with this one, I just watched Endgame for the first time and I have A LOT OF FEELINGS TO UNPACK! Set in part after Resolutions, and then after Endgame. Mostly canon compliant, but operates on the theory that JC did more on New Earth than chase monkeys...So here the unpacked feelings are, I patched it up best I could to be able to live with having seen the episode, bon appetit!

”You can decide for yourself, Kathryn, and I respect your decision. I even understand it. But you can’t tell me what I should feel.” He straightened, while his eyes softened. “I love you. I know it, and I expect you do as well. And that’s all there is to it. You’re not responsible for my feelings, I am. I choose not to pretend to myself. I’m your first officer, and I’m your friend and nothing will change that. So just let me be me. Let me deal with this in my own way.”

They were standing in Sick Bay, the Doctor having disappeared after proclaiming them healthy. In a moment the doors would open and they would be officially back on duty, existing only as Captain and First. 

“Chakotay…” He heard the pain, laced into her tight voice as if woven into it.

In it, he heard her wish, the dream that things were different. The reality, her position dividing her into, cleaving her in two. But most of all he heard the plea.

He held up a hand. “I understand it, Kathryn. Don’t worry.”

Allowing himself a step closer, just near enough that her head tipped back slightly to meet his gaze. “I mean it. I won’t be another burden on you. If you can’t bear to know my heart and have me close, then I will resign as your First. I’ll transfer to something else, off the Bridge.”

“No.” She shook her head for emphasis and her hand came to rest on his chest, the way it had so many times before. Placing his above it, holding it in place, he treasured the sensation. “No, I need you. If…” Her gaze dropped, skittered across his chest, his shoulders as if scrabbling for purchase. “If you say you can…You want to handle this, then…Then I believe you. I want you on the Bridge, Chakotay. I want…I want you there, because you’re the best First I’ve ever had and…and because you’re my friend. I trust you.”

Her words were confined by the walls around them, the Starfleet grey draining the true meaning but he knew what moved beyond them. For Kathryn, everything had to be slipped back into place on her return to the ship. He was less strict on himself. He needed a moment to bid farewell, not only to her, but to a life that could have been his. A life never lived, with opportunities never taken, wishes never granted.

“But I need you to promise me something.”

“Go on.”

She stepped closer, her free hand coming to join the one he held already. Holding his hand in both of hers, she was close enough that he could feel the heat of her skin through her uniform.

“I need this to be it. After this conversation, what happened on New Earth is history. A beautiful moment in time, a gift I didn’t expect. Because…Because if I let myself wish, hope for this, then I won’t hold out. I’ll give in one day and I’ll hate myself for it after.”

Impulse flared through him and his arm wound around her, taking hold of the back of her neck, fingers twined into her hair.

“Then let’s start tomorrow. Here and now, Kathryn, let it be just you and me. Let’s pretend we’re still there.”

One last time. He just wanted a memory of her, here, to know it had been real and not just another dream he’d woken from.

She tensed, her lips parting as her eyes roved over his face. He saw it. Saw her standing on the precipice, balancing, wanting to fall. Her hands tightened to clench at the fabric of his uniform. Then slowly, she bent her head, her fists unclenching. She stepped back and his arms fell uselessly by his sides.

“I can’t. We can’t.” She wrapped her arms around herself. “If I let myself set a precedence…I’ll…I won’t be able to resist again. I know myself. Please. Please, Chakotay, don’t make me choose between you and Voyager.”

He marvelled, even as he burned, that it was a choice for her. He knew how important the ship, the crew was to her, and he was measured on a scale of comparison. It was humbling. She had allowed him a glimpse of her soul, of the cost she was willing to pay. It didn’t make parting sweeter but it softened the pain to know it was shared. So he steeled himself, tensed his shoulders.

“I’m sorry. That was…It won’t happen again. I promise, Kathryn, and I agree to your terms.”

He drew a deep breath. “But we won’t always be in the Delta Quadrant forever. I refuse to believe it. One day, Kathryn. I don’t care how old we are, there will be a day when we won’t need to deny this.”

Her features softened again. “I want to believe that too.”

Ripping his own heart the last millimetre to tear it in two, he took yet another step backwards.

“Then...we should get to the Bridge for our duty shift…Captain.”

Kathryn’s eyes were misted but her voice was clear when she responded. “Very well. Commander.”

  
  


Five years later

She didn’t suppose the stun would wear off anytime soon. Ever since they had come back she had been debriefed, over and over, stuck inside provisional quarters at Starfleet Headquarters. Considering the grilling they had put her through, she didn’t suppose Chakotay’s time back had been any easier. While she had known him for seven years, Starfleet took one look, referred to their records, and wanted to throw him in prison and forget the key. Reggie and Admiral Paris had done their best but to be honest the jury was still out. She hoped the glowing letter of recommendation she’d put together would also help. 

At least now she had managed to swing her own quarters, off Starfleet property. A top floor apartment that had serendipitously become available - despite being into another quadrant her queue time had counted - so it had a fantastic view over the bay and the bridge. 

The chime rung and a smile broke out on her face.

“Enter.”

The entry system beeped its assent and then Chakotay stepped in. Looking around, one eyebrow shot up and he whistled. 

“Wow. Looks like it pays to be higher up in the strata.”

  
He was dressed in civilian clothes, without his comm badge. Like her. 

“It illustrates the abominable situation of San Francisco housing that you need to queue for seven years to attempt to rent an apartment with a view. But come on in.”

He moved in his easy way, joining her in the sitting area with a grin. 

“So how is civilian life treating you?”

She wasn’t relieved of duty but until she had debriefed completely with Starfleet, she wasn’t allowed to command. And that meant not actually having a title more than in name.

“I thought I’d love it. I’ve been waiting seven years to have a holiday but I’m already itching to get back out there.”

He sat down on the couch, already as at home as he had been in her quarters on Voyager.

“I know what you mean.”

“I knew you would.” She handed him a drink, made not by a replicator, but by her. 

She sat, and was suddenly enveloped by unease. Chakotay was the person who knew her best, probably in the galaxy, but they’d been unceremoniously lifted from one setting, plopped down into another. They hadn’t been outside of Starfleet regulation since New Earth,and unbridled by rank and fate, Kathryn was suddenly at a loss. The rules that had been in place for five years were suddenly not there and it left her unsteady on her feet. 

He was the first to speak again.

“Did you hear Boothby is having a retirement party?”

“I did. Is that the fourth one?”

Chakotay nodded. “I believe so. Do you think this time it’ll stick?”

She smiled, the ground solidifying under her feet, the friendship that had both supported and sustained her seeping back into the air. “Not a chance. He loves the Academy gardens too much. He’ll be back one week later, muttering about not being able to sleep knowing they’re using the wrong manure on the Windsor roses.”

He laughed, and the corners of his eyes creased. It was a feature of him that always set her heart beating faster, blood rising under skin that suddenly felt thin. She’d come to expect it, like she expected goosebumps when she heard the Moonlight Sonata, like when coffee fired through her nervous system, bringing it to life. It was something that was just part of her genetic make-up. But feeling it here, in her own apartment, on Earth, without any pips on her collar or a crew who depended on her, the sensation took her by surprise. 

“Wanna go to it all the same?”   
  
“I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

He set his drink down, his eyes finding hers in the direct way of his. “I meant would you want to go to the party  _ with  _ me.”

Kathryn froze. His eyes were still boring into hers, the dark gaze unflinching. There was no way she had misunderstood the stress placement. She knew what he was asking.

“I...Seven?” She cleared her throat, her voice still weak. “What about Seven?”

“You…” He frowned and set his drink down on the coffee table. “You haven’t heard?”

“Heard what?”

“We broke up, Kathryn. Whatever there was to break, after four dates.”

“But…”

“I’m sorry. I assumed you’d hear through the grapevine, somehow. Everyone is always talking about each other, and…”

“Why?”

“I guess there wasn’t much else to do in the Quadrant but-”

“No. Why did you break up with Seven?”

Chakotay looked pained. “You know why, Kathryn.”

“I’m not sure that I do.”

He tilted his head, eyes patient. 

“Please, Chakotay. Why?”

He sighed, leaned back in his seat. “I...I thought I was going to be alone until we died in the Delta Quadrant. I thought we’d die from old age, still travelling towards Earth. And for as long as we were making our way home, you were going to be the captain. I remember what I promised you after New Earth. I keep my promises. But that meant I would never know having someone to come back to, someone waiting for me to finish my shift. Someone to sleep next to, to share myself completely with. I waited seven years, Kathryn, but when faced with another seventy, I wasn’t sure I could do it. It was a lonely prospect.”

She nodded, because she’d felt that same loneliness. But all that she had been able to turn to was a hologram, a being made out of light, projected onto her retinas to fill a void. But light had no substance and all it did was hide the void from her, it could never fill it. It had been a bandaid to a bulletwound as they’d used to say in old films. 

“Seven, she...She was lonely too. I would claim in hindsight, her feelings for me had much more to do with proximity and familiarity than real attraction. She’s still...in many ways, she’s still an adolescent. Learning, curious for the experience. I was a safe choice to explore those things. We both agreed when we got back to Earth that what had pushed us together in the Delta Quadrant was not able to keep us together in the Alpha.”

Kathryn was holding her breath. They’d been so close, for so many years, teetering on the edge of more than friends. 

“I’m...I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you two.”

“I never would have. And you know why, Kathryn.”

“I’m...I’m not sure. The Admiral told me you loved her, mourned for her so your life lost meaning.”

“I’m sure I did mourn her. I like Seven, I value her as a friend. And of course there are timelines upon timelines of our doubles, leading their lives in completely different ways. There’s a me somewhere who never met you, who is probably in some Cadassian prison. There’s a me and you living on New Earth still. There’s a me who loves Seven, I’m sure. But if I were to venture a guess, and I feel pretty qualified to in this instance, I didn’t mourn Seven in that future as much as I mourned losing my chance again. I would imagine that the guilt I’d feel at not mourning her as a husband should, as she deserved, would have eaten at me. And that’s what really destroyed me. Him. Seven was only ever a placeholder, even though I didn’t think of it that way, and knowing that after she died would have killed me, Kathryn. I still can’t really believe there is a version of me who’d let it go that far.”

“You can’t beat yourself up over something that...that never actually came to pass.”

“No.” He leaned his elbows on his knees. “But I would beat myself up, forever, if I didn’t try again now. I told you once before. There would come a time when we weren’t in the Delta Quadrant anymore. And now here we are, home, on Earth. I have a second chance... _ We _ have a second chance, and I have to at least try for it.”

He looked down at his clasped hands. “I love you. You know that. I have for seven years now, and I don’t see myself stopping any time soon. I don’t know if you’ve changed your mind since New Earth, if you don’t feel the same for me as you did once. But I need to know, Kathryn. I need to know I did all I could.”

Breathless, weightless, Kathryn wrapped her arms around herself. “She told me why, you know.”

“Sorry?” He frowned at the non sequitur.

But she felt she had to answer in kind, explain herself as he had, so she forged on.

“The Admiral. She told me why she came back.”

“She came back to save the crew several years in the Delta Quadrant.”

“She may have said that, and even meant it to some extent, but it wasn’t the whole truth. She came for you, Chakotay. Because you weren’t in her life. Because without you there, Earth wasn’t home to her. You were her home. And without it life back in the Alpha Quadrant would never be worth it. She knew that, it’s why she didn’t hesitate a moment to die for a future where you existed. Her life for yours, an easy trade.”

He had stilled, his eyes glued to hers in wide disbelief. 

With a terse chuckle, she continued. “She called me an idiot, sticking to all the wrong rules. Claimed I had confused the issue about the crew with my pride and that I was only sticking to it because I was stubborn.” She shook her head. “Maybe she was right, who knows what the future in the Delta Quadrant would have looked like. But we’re not there. We’re back, and you’re here and I...I have another chance. I have to say I can’t really believe it.”

She straightened. “You asked me if my feelings from New Earth have changed. They have.”

His eyes clouded, his shoulders slumping. 

“I love you more now than I ever knew I could then. The Admiral was right, Chakotay. You’re my home. Being here or in space, 70 000 lightyears from home or on Earth doesn’t really matter to me, just as long as I’m where you are.”

If she hadn’t been so wound up from letting the emotions she’d suppressed for seven years surface, she’d have laughed at his stunned, slack jawed face. 

“So yes. I’ll go to Boothby’s retirement party with you. I’d go to the ends of the galaxy for you, and apparently break the temporal first directive to cross time and space. Across town to a party is a pretty short order in comparison.”

For several seconds, silence reigned. Then Chakotay surged to his feet and she wasn’t sure who reached for whom first but a moment later his arms wound around her waist, jerking her up on her toes. Then his mouth was on hers and finally, finally, she was really home. 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it, my feelings are certainly a bit soothed :D


End file.
